I have had a couple of good days. Keeping the kitchen clean, cooking and even dancing at times. The lamictal has seemed to help. I tried to go 3 days without the effexor today but began to have irritability and anxious confusion. So I took the 37.5 and within an hour the feelings alleviated.
Now I have to move forward. I have discovered that I have developed moderate agorophobia. I feel like myself while inside the house however even the thought of leaving creates an overwhelming panic. I had an appointment at the optomotrist (?) today but could not bring myself to go. I did get showered and dressed. I even got to the car but could not get in and began to cry. Fotunately we got a foot of snow over the last day and the roads are still fairly bad. A viable excuse I suppose.
What is the worst that could happen? I could get in public and begin sobbing or pass out. I could feel panic the entire time until I have to run away. So what. It's not like the doctors I work with in the ER haven't seen me worse in the last month.
I need a plan. Today I will complete my yoga, work on a rag rug, pick up the kitchen and continue studying Hebrew. I have already showered and dressed so I have some success. My plan for tomorrow will be to get out and go to Art Studio at the Main Link (the local mental health drop in center). There I will stay at least 30 minutes and work on my painting. This is actually an ambitious plan. Thinking of 30 minutes in public is overwhelming. But the drop in is a safe and welcoming place for me. I'm done thinking about it- get rid of the anxiety I'm feeling.
I think that I'm going to call the insurance case manager and see if they will cover a peer specialist. She seemed willing to help when she called. Of course she suggested disability.
The irony about getting mental health disability is that it requires a great deal of organization, stamina, appointment attendence and fortitude to get. Being that I get overwhelmed by taking a shower at times, my mental health issues prevent me from getting disability for my mental health issues.
I HATE the thought of getting on disability. It's humiliating, degrading and creates a sense of failure within me. This is not how I viewed my life. I am smart and talented. I was reliable and hard working. I want to work. I'm a farm girl. You work for your keep. I don't want the government to be daddy giving me an allowance!! What are my options? Over 4 years my physical problems have taken over my ability to work. Then my anxiety about again being unable to fullfill committments has lead me to a place where I have made none.
I need to get my hair cut but I can't go out. I haven't been able to go to the movies, shopping, or working out for almost a year and a half. I love these things. I can't even get myself to do the things I love.
Okay, change my thinking. I have a plan for today and tomorrow. This is good. I am only responsible to myself. I can do this.
