Staying in the zone

Almost didn't write today.  I find if I stay hypnogogic then the withdrawal effects are less disturbing.  Zoning out is the most comfortable state in which to be right now.  I scrubbed part of the kitchen and my bathroom last night.  Obsessive...difficult...emotional.  Couldn't lay down.  Today mom volunteered to come clean my house for me.  She was wonderful. I couldn't do much and what I did took me so long that mom finally had to encourage me to stop.  nothing could get clean enough. 

Still very emotional.  The woman who schedules shifts at work called to see if I would be able to perform the shifts that I had signed up for.  I apologized and said I would need to be taken off of the schedule.  I began bawling on the phone.  It was embarassing.  Fortunately, she is a very graceful lady.  Even typing what happened...I am beginning to cry.  I love my work.  I HATE letting people down.  I don't want to lose this job.

Brain zaps continue with turn of the head (but no longer turn of the eyes).  My pain is severe and I walk like an old arthritic woman.  I had bouts of pain prior to stopping Effexor.  In fact, it seems many of these withdrawal symptoms have been randomly occuring over the last couple of years with increasing frequency.  It makes me wonder if, during this time, Effexor had begun losing its effectiveness and the diluted effect caused me to experience mild to moderate periods of withdrawal.   

I plan to try leaving the house tomorrow.I don't feel fit for public consumption  but fear that isolation will lead to more isolation.  The mental health drop-in center has free art studio on wednesday and friday.  I have found that when I feel unable to perform appropriately in social setting it is safest to go to a place where social masks are rare and people are accepted for who they are and not how skilled they are at the social dance. The drop-in is full of wonderful folks, many of whom live with pejorative social labels.  And I love them.  Crying again.

I wonder what it is about my biology/physiology that places me in the sphere of those who experience serious withdrawal from this drug.  It would be interesting to see what we have in common with each other and in contrast with those who don't experience it.

Oh I wanted to list what I am still taking:
Neurontin 1200mg BID
Wellbutrin 150mg QD
Lithium 300mg QHS
Vitamin D
Fish Oil
Multivitiman
Calcium
Magnesium
B-12

As I said, still foggy, continuous mild brain zaps with dizziness, pain, fatigue, and nausea. Heighted sense of smell is making everything smell noxious.  Altered sense of taste is making food taste soapy and metallic.  Fruit is okay, as are natural sweets, until they sit in my stomach and flip flop, wanting to come back up.  The tactile hallucinations of razor cuts on my skin and in my mouth have decreased.  It feels more like a few mosquito bites.  I am thankful for this.
#Effexor #psychotropic #mentalillness #withdrawal