Motor skills are off. I can grasp and walk with focused intent. Learned movement patterns appear weak. Stumbling more. dropping things. Must be intentional for actions to be solidly executed. Body position / resting state as pointed out by by husband is as follows: head lulled to left, affect flat and mouth agape, wrists and hands curled with arms across my abdomen. Reminiscent of a kind of palsied state at rest. Only different as I can change my position with effort.
I have improved focus since last post. Unsure why. Forcing myself to drink water. Iworked some more in the kitchen. Felt like a drunkard. Upon starting I become obsessed with scrubbing and have difficulty stopping despite emotional distress (crying, panting, groaning). My husband must tell me to stop. Apparently I appear erratic and confused.
I took the dog out and ran into my neighbor. Unsure what he thought of the interaction- midday clothed in a granny gown covered with a robe, stumbling, head lilting. I attempted normality but dont feel I was successful as he gave me odd looks and ended the conversation quickly despite his typically verbose nature.
I looked at my e-mail a saw that I missed a meeting with my boss. Work is aware that I had health issues and my position is per diem, however not sure what to do. I cannot work like this. Unsure how long. Thought of even responding --right now I am crying- I cannot face that but I cannot lose my job. I love my job. I am doing this in the hope of becoming better able to do my job. Will this really take a year.
I have an appoingtment with my psychologist on thursday. Thought of showering, dressing driving and especially sitting in the waiting room, all palsied and flat, twitching on occasion--Its too much.
But I must get out the door.
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