Jan 10, 2015 Warning signs

So it is 8:34pm.  One of the dangers of blogging like this is the risk of becoming overly focused on my physical experiences.  Of course with everything my body has been going through over the past few years, I have had to practice mindfulness to accept the situation without fear or judgement.  This doesn't always work but it's a tool. 

I can feel the brain shocks building.  Brain shocks are a withdrawal effect in which a temporary jolt, like electricity, shoots through my brain and out my arms.  It lasts only a moment but feels painful and disorienting.  Sometimes two or three shocks occur in a row.  Turning my head or moving my eyes to the right (and only right for some reason) can trigger them. 

Right now I have the slight buzzing sound and feeling of fullness in my head that signals that withdrawal is increasing.  It makes me think of a laser gun charging. Once fully charged it will fire electricity through my neurons on random occasions.

My skin feels like little paper cuts are forming. It stings.  My face, arms, legs, torso even inside my nose itches and burns.  If it gets too bad I will take benedryl.  I have had this feeling from time to time over the last few years.  I thought it was hormonal as it would occur premenstrually and at times be so bad that I would have to lay naked on the bed because having anything touch my skin felt like lemon juice on raw flesh. 

I am irritable.  My typical temporment is primarily phlegmatic but with some sanguine tendencies.  An easygoing people pleaser, I rarely get angry.  In fact, when my adult stepson stayed with us for a month he apparently asked my husband if I EVER get angry. Today, when my dog got playful and ran around the house playing with my cat, I felt so angry that I wanted to take him to the pound.  I even pushed him off of the couch when he tried to get me to join in the fun.  I have never been like this.  I cried after I pushed him.  This is my baby puppy dog.  How could I have done that?  He looked at me with the big eyes and tilted his head.  He forgave me. 

Everything is shrill.  It's like all the pleasant qualities of experience are gone and I am left with life minus the soft edges and gooey chocolate filling.  Everything is sharp and loud and painful. 

Here it comes....