I have had a couple of good days. Keeping the kitchen clean, cooking and even dancing at times. The lamictal has seemed to help. I tried to go 3 days without the effexor today but began to have irritability and anxious confusion. So I took the 37.5 and within an hour the feelings alleviated.
Now I have to move forward. I have discovered that I have developed moderate agorophobia. I feel like myself while inside the house however even the thought of leaving creates an overwhelming panic. I had an appointment at the optomotrist (?) today but could not bring myself to go. I did get showered and dressed. I even got to the car but could not get in and began to cry. Fotunately we got a foot of snow over the last day and the roads are still fairly bad. A viable excuse I suppose.
What is the worst that could happen? I could get in public and begin sobbing or pass out. I could feel panic the entire time until I have to run away. So what. It's not like the doctors I work with in the ER haven't seen me worse in the last month.
I need a plan. Today I will complete my yoga, work on a rag rug, pick up the kitchen and continue studying Hebrew. I have already showered and dressed so I have some success. My plan for tomorrow will be to get out and go to Art Studio at the Main Link (the local mental health drop in center). There I will stay at least 30 minutes and work on my painting. This is actually an ambitious plan. Thinking of 30 minutes in public is overwhelming. But the drop in is a safe and welcoming place for me. I'm done thinking about it- get rid of the anxiety I'm feeling.
I think that I'm going to call the insurance case manager and see if they will cover a peer specialist. She seemed willing to help when she called. Of course she suggested disability.
The irony about getting mental health disability is that it requires a great deal of organization, stamina, appointment attendence and fortitude to get. Being that I get overwhelmed by taking a shower at times, my mental health issues prevent me from getting disability for my mental health issues.
I HATE the thought of getting on disability. It's humiliating, degrading and creates a sense of failure within me. This is not how I viewed my life. I am smart and talented. I was reliable and hard working. I want to work. I'm a farm girl. You work for your keep. I don't want the government to be daddy giving me an allowance!! What are my options? Over 4 years my physical problems have taken over my ability to work. Then my anxiety about again being unable to fullfill committments has lead me to a place where I have made none.
I need to get my hair cut but I can't go out. I haven't been able to go to the movies, shopping, or working out for almost a year and a half. I love these things. I can't even get myself to do the things I love.
Okay, change my thinking. I have a plan for today and tomorrow. This is good. I am only responsible to myself. I can do this.
Home on the Range
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Back to reality
I spent 10 days in the psychiatric hospital. Delusions and hallucinations. When I went to see my psychologist, he became very concerned. I guess I was slurring my words, part of my mouth was drooping, and I wasn't making sense. He took me to the ER and was concerned about neurological problems. I remember parts of the process. Hypersensitivity to light, sound and touch lead to some reactive behaviors. I do know I was very irritable and snapped a lot at people. I don't recall much about the first day in the hospital. I was in a great deal of pain and needed a wheel chair to walk. The doctor put me back on effexor at the lowest dose every other day. I also went off of the lithium.
It was quite an experience to perceive the world with special knowledge. It felt so real and important. I can't explain the thought process but I felt I understood the universe and God in an important way and needed to share it with the world. In a way I miss it and wish I had written during that time.
I'm still taking Effexor every other day. I can't get in to see the psychiatric nurse practitioner for 2 months. We have very few psychiatric providers in the area. I was told by the hospital that my PCP was contacted and had agreed to perscribe my effexor, wellbutrin and ativan until I got in. I saw him yesterday and he informed me that he would not. The intake worker at the PNP's office agreed to ask her if she would fill the meds until my appt with her. Not sure of the answer yet.
Still having crying fits but the anger has subsided. No brain shocks. Nauseous, all over pain, fatigue, anxiety, anhedonia and depression persist. I decided to go back on my lamictal (I was taken off during my first hospitalization). I going to take 100mg BID. I needed to control the mood swings and cannot wait 2 mos to try something. I started yesterday and feel it has helped. I probably responded more quickly due to my body still being set up to process it. I have only been off of it for 3 weeks.
I am doing some yoga to help with the pain. It hurts like crazy while I'm doing it and wipes me out but when I'm done the pain has been moderately alleviated. The pain and fatigue is not new. It was part of the reason I have been increasingly limited in my ability to work over the last 4 years. It is also the reason I became suicidal. I still feel hopeless.
My new PCP (Dr. I Am Resurrection...no kidding) referred me to a rheumatologist but I could not get an appointment until May. I saw him over a year ago and was told I had Fibromyalgia how ever Dr. Resurrection said that there was no note of any kind placed in my record from the visit. He also set me up for a sleep study. I have very little hope than anything will come of these visits as I have been through all of this in the past. I also have to do blood work. I'll follow through as I have no choice. Maybe some day someone will figure it out.
It was quite an experience to perceive the world with special knowledge. It felt so real and important. I can't explain the thought process but I felt I understood the universe and God in an important way and needed to share it with the world. In a way I miss it and wish I had written during that time.
I'm still taking Effexor every other day. I can't get in to see the psychiatric nurse practitioner for 2 months. We have very few psychiatric providers in the area. I was told by the hospital that my PCP was contacted and had agreed to perscribe my effexor, wellbutrin and ativan until I got in. I saw him yesterday and he informed me that he would not. The intake worker at the PNP's office agreed to ask her if she would fill the meds until my appt with her. Not sure of the answer yet.
Still having crying fits but the anger has subsided. No brain shocks. Nauseous, all over pain, fatigue, anxiety, anhedonia and depression persist. I decided to go back on my lamictal (I was taken off during my first hospitalization). I going to take 100mg BID. I needed to control the mood swings and cannot wait 2 mos to try something. I started yesterday and feel it has helped. I probably responded more quickly due to my body still being set up to process it. I have only been off of it for 3 weeks.
I am doing some yoga to help with the pain. It hurts like crazy while I'm doing it and wipes me out but when I'm done the pain has been moderately alleviated. The pain and fatigue is not new. It was part of the reason I have been increasingly limited in my ability to work over the last 4 years. It is also the reason I became suicidal. I still feel hopeless.
My new PCP (Dr. I Am Resurrection...no kidding) referred me to a rheumatologist but I could not get an appointment until May. I saw him over a year ago and was told I had Fibromyalgia how ever Dr. Resurrection said that there was no note of any kind placed in my record from the visit. He also set me up for a sleep study. I have very little hope than anything will come of these visits as I have been through all of this in the past. I also have to do blood work. I'll follow through as I have no choice. Maybe some day someone will figure it out.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Staying in the zone
Almost didn't write today. I find if I stay hypnogogic then the withdrawal effects are less disturbing. Zoning out is the most comfortable state in which to be right now. I scrubbed part of the kitchen and my bathroom last night. Obsessive...difficult...emotional. Couldn't lay down. Today mom volunteered to come clean my house for me. She was wonderful. I couldn't do much and what I did took me so long that mom finally had to encourage me to stop. nothing could get clean enough.
Still very emotional. The woman who schedules shifts at work called to see if I would be able to perform the shifts that I had signed up for. I apologized and said I would need to be taken off of the schedule. I began bawling on the phone. It was embarassing. Fortunately, she is a very graceful lady. Even typing what happened...I am beginning to cry. I love my work. I HATE letting people down. I don't want to lose this job.
Brain zaps continue with turn of the head (but no longer turn of the eyes). My pain is severe and I walk like an old arthritic woman. I had bouts of pain prior to stopping Effexor. In fact, it seems many of these withdrawal symptoms have been randomly occuring over the last couple of years with increasing frequency. It makes me wonder if, during this time, Effexor had begun losing its effectiveness and the diluted effect caused me to experience mild to moderate periods of withdrawal.
I plan to try leaving the house tomorrow.I don't feel fit for public consumption but fear that isolation will lead to more isolation. The mental health drop-in center has free art studio on wednesday and friday. I have found that when I feel unable to perform appropriately in social setting it is safest to go to a place where social masks are rare and people are accepted for who they are and not how skilled they are at the social dance. The drop-in is full of wonderful folks, many of whom live with pejorative social labels. And I love them. Crying again.
I wonder what it is about my biology/physiology that places me in the sphere of those who experience serious withdrawal from this drug. It would be interesting to see what we have in common with each other and in contrast with those who don't experience it.
Oh I wanted to list what I am still taking:
Neurontin 1200mg BID
Wellbutrin 150mg QD
Lithium 300mg QHS
Vitamin D
Fish Oil
Multivitiman
Calcium
Magnesium
B-12
As I said, still foggy, continuous mild brain zaps with dizziness, pain, fatigue, and nausea. Heighted sense of smell is making everything smell noxious. Altered sense of taste is making food taste soapy and metallic. Fruit is okay, as are natural sweets, until they sit in my stomach and flip flop, wanting to come back up. The tactile hallucinations of razor cuts on my skin and in my mouth have decreased. It feels more like a few mosquito bites. I am thankful for this.
#Effexor #psychotropic #mentalillness #withdrawal
Still very emotional. The woman who schedules shifts at work called to see if I would be able to perform the shifts that I had signed up for. I apologized and said I would need to be taken off of the schedule. I began bawling on the phone. It was embarassing. Fortunately, she is a very graceful lady. Even typing what happened...I am beginning to cry. I love my work. I HATE letting people down. I don't want to lose this job.
Brain zaps continue with turn of the head (but no longer turn of the eyes). My pain is severe and I walk like an old arthritic woman. I had bouts of pain prior to stopping Effexor. In fact, it seems many of these withdrawal symptoms have been randomly occuring over the last couple of years with increasing frequency. It makes me wonder if, during this time, Effexor had begun losing its effectiveness and the diluted effect caused me to experience mild to moderate periods of withdrawal.
I plan to try leaving the house tomorrow.I don't feel fit for public consumption but fear that isolation will lead to more isolation. The mental health drop-in center has free art studio on wednesday and friday. I have found that when I feel unable to perform appropriately in social setting it is safest to go to a place where social masks are rare and people are accepted for who they are and not how skilled they are at the social dance. The drop-in is full of wonderful folks, many of whom live with pejorative social labels. And I love them. Crying again.
I wonder what it is about my biology/physiology that places me in the sphere of those who experience serious withdrawal from this drug. It would be interesting to see what we have in common with each other and in contrast with those who don't experience it.
Oh I wanted to list what I am still taking:
Neurontin 1200mg BID
Wellbutrin 150mg QD
Lithium 300mg QHS
Vitamin D
Fish Oil
Multivitiman
Calcium
Magnesium
B-12
As I said, still foggy, continuous mild brain zaps with dizziness, pain, fatigue, and nausea. Heighted sense of smell is making everything smell noxious. Altered sense of taste is making food taste soapy and metallic. Fruit is okay, as are natural sweets, until they sit in my stomach and flip flop, wanting to come back up. The tactile hallucinations of razor cuts on my skin and in my mouth have decreased. It feels more like a few mosquito bites. I am thankful for this.
#Effexor #psychotropic #mentalillness #withdrawal
Monday, January 12, 2015
Jan 12th- peeking out the door
Motor skills are off. I can grasp and walk with focused intent. Learned movement patterns appear weak. Stumbling more. dropping things. Must be intentional for actions to be solidly executed. Body position / resting state as pointed out by by husband is as follows: head lulled to left, affect flat and mouth agape, wrists and hands curled with arms across my abdomen. Reminiscent of a kind of palsied state at rest. Only different as I can change my position with effort.
I have improved focus since last post. Unsure why. Forcing myself to drink water. Iworked some more in the kitchen. Felt like a drunkard. Upon starting I become obsessed with scrubbing and have difficulty stopping despite emotional distress (crying, panting, groaning). My husband must tell me to stop. Apparently I appear erratic and confused.
I took the dog out and ran into my neighbor. Unsure what he thought of the interaction- midday clothed in a granny gown covered with a robe, stumbling, head lilting. I attempted normality but dont feel I was successful as he gave me odd looks and ended the conversation quickly despite his typically verbose nature.
I looked at my e-mail a saw that I missed a meeting with my boss. Work is aware that I had health issues and my position is per diem, however not sure what to do. I cannot work like this. Unsure how long. Thought of even responding --right now I am crying- I cannot face that but I cannot lose my job. I love my job. I am doing this in the hope of becoming better able to do my job. Will this really take a year.
I have an appoingtment with my psychologist on thursday. Thought of showering, dressing driving and especially sitting in the waiting room, all palsied and flat, twitching on occasion--Its too much.
But I must get out the door.
I have improved focus since last post. Unsure why. Forcing myself to drink water. Iworked some more in the kitchen. Felt like a drunkard. Upon starting I become obsessed with scrubbing and have difficulty stopping despite emotional distress (crying, panting, groaning). My husband must tell me to stop. Apparently I appear erratic and confused.
I took the dog out and ran into my neighbor. Unsure what he thought of the interaction- midday clothed in a granny gown covered with a robe, stumbling, head lilting. I attempted normality but dont feel I was successful as he gave me odd looks and ended the conversation quickly despite his typically verbose nature.
I looked at my e-mail a saw that I missed a meeting with my boss. Work is aware that I had health issues and my position is per diem, however not sure what to do. I cannot work like this. Unsure how long. Thought of even responding --right now I am crying- I cannot face that but I cannot lose my job. I love my job. I am doing this in the hope of becoming better able to do my job. Will this really take a year.
I have an appoingtment with my psychologist on thursday. Thought of showering, dressing driving and especially sitting in the waiting room, all palsied and flat, twitching on occasion--Its too much.
But I must get out the door.
Jan 12th- too much
Hard to write. Brain jolts with almosst every eye/head movement. Sitting with my head lulled sown and mouth hung open is most comfortable to minimize jolts. Took benedryk tohelp sleep and ease skin reaction. Slept til 11ish. shocks did not begin until moving. feel as if it takes all my energy to maintain sanity. tried to pick up kitchen. Wretched and gagged over slime and food particles. Hard to drink because water tastes soapy-metallic. All food tastes inedible- if I had delusions I would believe it was poisoned.
Need to apply for disability however dont know how to move or converse for mor than a few minutes. How could anyoe do all that paperwork and fighting when its hard to even shower.
This medicationn needs to be taken off the market. Think of heroine hwhich was used to treat morphine addiction. Treatment worse than disease. I wish i could better articulate. Crying, yuelling. feel sisck and nauseaus
Hang on. God is good and can use all things for good for those who love him and ar calledd to his purpose. How do I get this drug puolled from the market. As a therapist I never want another client or patient to go thru this. Wonder how what can be learned from withdrawl can ne used. Level of seratonin and rage. Depersonalization effects. Hormones and serotonin.
Cant thik anymore. I must keep sharing. Record the process. How long.
Need to apply for disability however dont know how to move or converse for mor than a few minutes. How could anyoe do all that paperwork and fighting when its hard to even shower.
This medicationn needs to be taken off the market. Think of heroine hwhich was used to treat morphine addiction. Treatment worse than disease. I wish i could better articulate. Crying, yuelling. feel sisck and nauseaus
Hang on. God is good and can use all things for good for those who love him and ar calledd to his purpose. How do I get this drug puolled from the market. As a therapist I never want another client or patient to go thru this. Wonder how what can be learned from withdrawl can ne used. Level of seratonin and rage. Depersonalization effects. Hormones and serotonin.
Cant thik anymore. I must keep sharing. Record the process. How long.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Jan 11th 2015: Showers hurt
I don't know if i'll make sense. It is difficult to write/think/move. Managed to take a shower. Like needles touching my skin. Every sense is heightened- smell, taste, touch- but not pleasurable. Everything stinks and is disgusting. My skin wants to be shredded off- prickly, bumps. Even the inside of my mouth holds razor blades.
I cry and wail and yell and laugh. Brain shocks are constant. hungry but do not want to vomit again. Hold on, Hold on.
Thinking of taking a benedryl and going to bed. Uncomfortable to lay down. Pillow rakes against raw skin. If I can sleep then I can take my morning wellbutrin. Symptoms better in the morn.
Husband is patient. I hear my voice and feel myself sarcastic and yelling then crying with remorse. He is so very patient.
I have to go. Writing is too hard.
I cry and wail and yell and laugh. Brain shocks are constant. hungry but do not want to vomit again. Hold on, Hold on.
Thinking of taking a benedryl and going to bed. Uncomfortable to lay down. Pillow rakes against raw skin. If I can sleep then I can take my morning wellbutrin. Symptoms better in the morn.
Husband is patient. I hear my voice and feel myself sarcastic and yelling then crying with remorse. He is so very patient.
I have to go. Writing is too hard.
Jan. 11th 2015- Morning sickness
I must have had emotional dreams because I awoke crying. It's 10:45am. I have been having crying jags all morning. I have to admit that the release feels good. While on Effexor I could not cry, even if I felt like it. As yet, the brain shocks have been mild in intensity. Nausea has kept me from eating much and what I have eaten has come back up. I am trying to make sure to keep hydrated. Big ole jug of water is with me at all times.
I began menstruating today. one more annoyance. I should again keep track of my cycles and how they relates to my mood/pain/energy.
In general, the world seems unreal. It almost feels as if I am floating. I look around my house and it no longer feels like home. It just looks like a place in which I reside. I cannot seem to connect. Is this what being high feel like. I know it is rare nowadays but I have never used an illegal drug.
I hope to pick up the house a little today. It is a sty. My husband is a very messy man and, as I have not felt well, the mess is building. Right now I am going to lay back down. The nausea is too much.
I began menstruating today. one more annoyance. I should again keep track of my cycles and how they relates to my mood/pain/energy.
In general, the world seems unreal. It almost feels as if I am floating. I look around my house and it no longer feels like home. It just looks like a place in which I reside. I cannot seem to connect. Is this what being high feel like. I know it is rare nowadays but I have never used an illegal drug.
I hope to pick up the house a little today. It is a sty. My husband is a very messy man and, as I have not felt well, the mess is building. Right now I am going to lay back down. The nausea is too much.
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